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Cocktails & Conversation Part 1! My friend M.

28 May

Place: My backyard.
Date: Saturday, May 26, 2012
Temperature: 24 degrees Celsius
Cocktail: Avaleda Vinho Verde (Portugal)
Topic: Passion

Welcome one and all to the first Cocktails & Conversation.

My friend M has graciously agreed to be my guinea pig (M says “WOOHOO”) for what will hopefully be one of many posts. Obviously I hope that as I get my friends drunker the conversation will get better/funnier/more awesome. The topic was chosen based on a conversation that we had earlier in the week about how relationships evolve as we mature.

Glass #1

T: M tells us a little about yourself (for context).

M: T, we’ve known each other for 14 years… Oy goodness. Well, I guess the best place to start would be I’m 31. Live by myself. Work for my family. T, you have to help me here… I’ve never done an interview in my life…

T: OK, well, for starters since our conversation is about passion in relationships, tell me what qualifies you to have this conversation.

M: OK, now I don’t want to do this anymore. What qualifies me to have this conversation? You’ve actually told me that you feel that I… maybe I need to drink more… Um…

T: Have you ever been in a long term relationship?

M: Yes. Several actually.

T: What made them successful and what made them fail?

M: I think the difference between what makes one fail and what makes one successful has to do with several things. 1. at what point in your life did you meet that person. Timing is important. 2. Is the person that you are with, do they meet the requirements that you are looking for. 3. It’s coming. Hold on a sec… Are you personally in the right frame of mind to accept another person and develop a relationship with them.

Of course there are many other things, but most relationships fail or succeed for the same reasons. Can I get some more wine please?

Glass #2

T: Can I get you to expand on something? #2 – when you say requirements – what do you mean, and how do you think that changes over time? I feel like when we are younger we are way more accepting of crap just to be in a relationship (whatever that means), but my experience has been that like a fine wine I have much less tolerance for bullshit than I used to. I know, that’s clearly not the expression, but it sounded good in my head. But anyway, tell me what you think? Did you look at women differently than you do now? Were they toys in your 20’s and wives in your 30’s?

M: I don’t think that women were “toys” when I was in my 20’s, but as I got older I understood more about myself and what was really important to me to find in somebody that I would want to be with long term. When I was younger I didn’t know what was important to me, or didn’t know as much as I know right now.

T: OK, M, halfway into glass #2 – that was your warm up. Merriam-Webster defines passion (in the context of Love and not the context of the Christ)

a (1) : emotion <his ruling passion is greed> (2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c : an outbreak of anger
a : ardent affection : love b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept c : sexual desire d : an object of desire or deep interest

What I find interesting about this, is we hear all the time people discussing how they don’t have passion in their relationship, but looking at this definition of passion I don’t think they understand the word. Do you think that people have a misconception of what passion means? Do you need more alcohol? What does passion mean to you?

M: It’s a hard word to describe. An inner automatic response that pulls you towards someone or something.

T: When it comes to people, do you see it as purely sexual?

M: Ya. I do. I think that passion touches on our most basic animalistic human needs.

T: M, the other day you mentioned a conversation to me that you had with a spiritual leader. He was giving you his opinion on passion. Do tell.

Glass #3 – Te Beag Whiskey (Yup, sounds like Tea Bag) from a now empty bottle.

M: I always have good conversation with this guy, a very wise man. Young, intelligent and hip! Essentially, his point was that we don’t always need to feel, in fact we shouldn’t feel butterflies, or passion when we first meet a person. A lot of people might ask “What are you talking about? Isn’t that EXACTLY what you want to feel?” but his explanation really hit home in that if you feel that inner passion in the beginning then unfortunately you may feel as if you have something to lose which in turn might cause you to do things that you normally wouldn’t do.

T: Give me an example.

M: If you feel that nervousness right off the bat, the tendency might be to introduce them to your parents too quickly, or call all the time, or make plans like you feel like you may never see them again. The desire to do more because you feel like something is at risk.

T: So your guy is saying that in ideal relationship there’s no fear of losing the person.

M: Yes.

T: That makes total sense to me, but how do you think that works in a modern context with 50% divorce rates, cheating all around town, etc…

M: Going back to what I saying about requirements – if your first three fundamental conditions are met (whatever they are; religion, sense of humour, looks, whatever, doesn’t matter what they are. It’s personal.). This is ridiculously hard. I hate this FYI. And you are getting me drunk. I need more scotch. It’s very good btw. T you can understand this –  How many people do you know get into relationships because they just want to be in a relationship.

T: Um, I’m guilty… and so is everyone I know!

M: But that’s ok! Again, as you grow older, you understand a little bit more about what’s important to you. The ending of past relationships help us learn exactly what it is that we don’t want. I really believe that knowing what you don’t want can be more important than knowing what you do want.

T: I agree 100000000%

M: Ask yourself the question: What do you always say “I want someone who’s like this, and this, and this.” you want someone who’s nice, outgoing. WTF does that mean anyway? Once you go through something difficult you can say “I don’t want a person who: is controlling, I don’t want a person to tell me how to do something, ” The incredible thing after that, when you can admit to yourself that you DON’T want something, your brain might actually stop looking for it.

(Please note that M is now drinking my Scotch).

M: Let’s talk abut that book I read. All your friends should read it. They’d all break up. Too Good to Leave. Too Bad to Stay.

T: OK Go. (M is maybe a little tipsy right now)

M: I was walking in Chapters none day. Not really sure what I was looking for. Section to section. Got a coffee at Starbucks. Went into the self-help section because I felt like I needed a bit of a pick me up. Picked up the book. Read the back. Read the first few pages and it hit me like a bolt of lighting. The book was depicting exactly my situation.

T: Was part of the problem that you still had passion but nothing else.

M: That’s exactly what it was like. I still had passion. That animal shit we talked about before, but I had nothing else. And I felt very alone. The interesting part was that the book really was from an un-biased point of view and gave you an understanding to not only be successful, happy and satisfied but also at ease in a relationship. Sometimes that might be more important than being happy.

(The booze is bringing out the best in him).

T: I think Katherine Heigl has ruined relationships for all women. Movies in general.

M: OK, let’s get back to this. Where were we? Oh yes! The book. There were a series of questions and basically if you answered NO to even 1 question then there’s something that’s bothering you about your relationship. Now when we look at a series of questions and only one needs to be answered in the negative it doesn’t look encouraging, but you wouldn’t be surprised that after reading the book – if you’re not in the right relationship 1/2 if not more would be answered with a no. And the trick was that it didn’t ask you questions that would tip the scale, it asked you fundamental questions about your personal desires and beliefs and passion and it really makes you think about who you are and what you want.

T: Are you drunk?

M: Yes.

T: My job is done!

M: It’s a wake-up call and the worst part is that you have nowhere to hide from it because it’s not a real person giving you the information. It’s yourself! It’s somebody who doesn’t know you or give a shit about you who wrote the questions, they just give you the hard facts and it’s up to you to do something about it.

As an example – one of the basic questions was “Do you like being around your partner?” Sounds stupid, but if you think about it, do you really like being around your partner? Does it excite you when they walk through the door? If it doesn’t then you need to get out.

T: OK, now that you’re 3 sheets to the wind… What is the worst thing a girl can do to fuck things up when she first starts dating a guy. Before exchanging conversation about exclusivity. What puts a nail in the coffin?

M: Can I get more whiskey?

T: It’s on the counter. Serve yourself…

Glass #whatever

T: I think people put all the positives in the basket at the beginning of a relationship because who wants to deal with the negative and then BOOM. The negative hits and we don’t know what to do with it.

M: I’ll just drink now, but you’re right.

T: Yesterday I was listening to CJAD and they this guy on who was a divorce lawyer for many years who gave up his practice to become an author and relationship coach because of everything that he had seen over the years. And he was saying that the only way to find happiness in life is to accept the TRUTH of ever situation you are in. Because even if you get hit by a car and you’re really angry and upset about it. You still got the by the car. Can’t change that. So in a relationship the mistake people make is that you get into a fight with someone and you almost forget about what the fight is about because you get so caught up in the emotional part of it, and often bring up baggage up from the past that have nothing to do with the person you are with. So at the end the truth of the of the situation is what matters most.What do you think about that?

M: Interesting. Makes perfect sense. I think everyone’s guilty of that. It’s an automatic response. Something happens in a current relationship that stirs up an emotion that you felt in the past. With age and experience it really is important to give everybody the chance and that it doesn’t mean because it happened in the past that it’s going to happen again. The best way to deal with it is to communicate the way that you are feeling and let your partner know exactly how you feel.

T: Without fear or risk that you are going to lose them.

M: And – if you really do believe that your fundamentals are being satisfied then there shouldn’t be a fear to communicate what’s bothering you.

T: Thank you Mike. I have enough to work with.

M: That’s it? We haven’t spoken that much. Let’s keep going for a bit.

T: OK – went out on a date Thursday. Completely normal. Nice conversation. Normal. Normal. Normal. What next?

M: He’ll call. Wait for him to call. Go out on a second date and just enjoy yourself. Nothing more than you or he should expect at this stage in the game. Give him a little bisous!

T: I’m a lady.

M: Sorry. Give him a big fat kiss. with tongue.

T: Final words: Go!

M: I’m drunk.

T: My plan worked. Thank you.

M: No seriously. I’m drunk! Passion’s important T, but it’s not all that’s important. Live life. Go big. Love hard. Have fun. Cry with a friend. Thank you. Hahahahahahahaha.


And that ladies and gentlemen was Cocktails & Conversation. I did get asked out by the guy again- the one who texted after POF emails. So we’ve had two dates in the last week. I maybe had to sober up from the patio fun real fast in order to get ready. Had a great time! He knows about the blog and might be reading it right now. There’s been a spike in views over the last 24 hours so I suspect that he may or may not have viewed my blog somewhere around 15 times.

I’ll save my review of this week’s Girls for my next dating post because I really enjoyed the episode, and would like to keep the review in its proper place.

Please comment – good or bad! I don’t want to feel like I am writing to myself. That’s what my diary is for.